How many of us have selfish, egotistical, narcissistic, toxic people in our life? As a cancer survivor, I don’t have time for people that don’t allow me to be happy—and no I’m not being selfish. Cancer changes the rules, and I don’t need this person to add to my “things to get stressed about “ list. Life is to short and I’ve got better things to do…even if this person happens to be my husband, child or best friend!

Do you have toxic people in your life? Chances are you do. According to a survey done by Self Magazine and Today.com, 83% people said they have some type of toxic relationship in their lives and shockingly, 1 out of 3 people said the toxic person was their BFF!

The results of the 14,000 people that took the survey: 

65% have toxic friends that are “self-absorbed”

59% have toxic friends that are “emotional vampires”

55% have toxic friends that are “overly critical”

45% have toxic friends that are “backhanded complements”

37% have toxic friends that are “unreliable”

How do you spot a friend that is toxic?  Look over this list and see if anybody rings a bell with you…

• Unsupportive
• Draining–emotionally, financially, or mentally
• Unrewarding, Stifling and Unsatisfying
• Unreliable
• Unequal—It’s all about them
• Stresses you out
• Leaves you feeling bad about yourself
• Highly critical of you
• Your nontoxic friends are telling you that you have a problem
• You have caught them telling lies
• You really don’t even like them
• You feel calm, happy and more vivacious when you are not with them.

If you answered “yes” to any of these characteristics, you are dealing with a toxic relationship.  So, what to do about it?  You have two choices, keep things the way they are (you feeling miserable) OR take action and deal with this person (you feeling empowered)!

I am going to put my money on you want to do something about it because that’s why you’re reading this.  So congratulations, the first step is being aware that you are in a toxic relationship!  So what do you do if you find a “friend” that looks like they are toxic for you?  Let’s look at the list a little closer and come up with some action choices for you. 

• Unsupportive:  When you are dealing with an unsupportive friend it can be very frustrating and leaving you feeling like you are invisible.  You must find your voice and let yourself be heard. 
• Draining–emotionally, financially, or mentally:  A draining friend—think Debbie Downer– is not only toxic to our mental mind but also to our physical body.  Our cells react to this drain and feel the stress.  Set firm boundaries and limit your time spent with a drainer.
• Unrewarding, Stifling and Unsatisfying Friendship:If you have stopped getting the benefits out this relationship, move on.  Your time is to valuable to spend time with someone that keeps you being the best you can be. 
• Unreliable:  These toxic people will keep you waiting hours or cancel at the last minute and your stuck all dressed up and no where to go.  Again, you use your voice and let them understand that you can’t rely on them and will choose not to hang out with them anymore. 
• Unequal—It’s all about them:  The unequal friendship is all about their lives.  100% of the time spent is about them—all you hear is I, me, mine etc.  They are so self-absorbed and perhaps clueless that you are even miffed that there is never any time to talk about you.  Again, this is an area to use your voice and change the subject—it won’t be easy-but change the subject and demand equal time.
• Stresses you out:  Again, set up boundaries and limit time spent with this person.  Rewrite the rules and change the game, the healthy friendship leaves you feeling valued, supportive and loved.
• Leaves you feeling bad about yourself:  If you are with someone that makes you feel bad about yourself, you have got to ask yourself why don’t I treasure who I am enough to hang out with someone that makes me feel good about being me.  When you leave this toxic friendship, you make room for someone that will fill your cup rather than empty it.
• Highly critical of you:  This is the one where you have got to believe in yourself and have the confidence to let the insult roll off your back like water on a duck.  Spend as little time as possible with this so-called friend.
• Your nontoxic friends are telling you that you have a problem:  When other people see the destructive forces of a person in your life, pay attention!  These non-toxic friends are a lifeline and can guide you out of the destructive path of this toxic friend.  Seek their help and guidance.
• You have caught them telling lies:  A person that tells lies is a person that can never be trusted.  Call them out and if you think the friendship is worth keeping, otherwise, ditch the friendship. 
• You really don’t even like them: Limit your time spent and if you do have to see them, keep your energy high and don’t allow them to make you feel less than the wonderful person you are.
• You feel calm, happy and more vivacious when you are not with them:  This is clearly a sign that you should limit your time spent with this person, if not cut off the toxic friendship permanently. 

Deal with a toxic friendship by:

 “When people decide to omit the negativity in their lives they may be ridiculed for not being a good person or friend.  Don’t fret.  In order to obtain the healthiest life possible, you must first retain the healthy aspects of what is around you, sometimes, that means letting go of the toxic friend.  It doesn’t mean you’re a “bad” person to want to be happy and socialize with people who have similar personalities.  Stand up for your convictions and do not feel compelled to stay in any unhealthy relationships.  You can only control your own actions, you cannot control those of another person, wrote author Priscilla Skanandore, author of How to Dump Toxic People. 

Having a healthy friendship is one of the greatest gifts you give to yourself.  Spending time with someone that honors and understands your values is priceless and a lot more fun.  If you do decide to end a toxic relationship, fill that void with a healthier person that will support you, respect you and love you. 

By Cindy Giles
Gutsy Lady Coaching
September 2011